Follow Your Heart
by Anne T.M
Summary: The unusual circumstances of the mutiny as seen in Repression have forced two unlikely people to find comfort with each other.


**Follow Your Heart  
**

 **Rated: G  
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all the characters.**

 **Synopsis: The unusual circumstances of the mutiny as seen in Repression have forced two unlikely people to find comfort with each other.**

 **Entered in Love Through the Years** **Repression contest**

Chakotay sat in the far corner of the mess hall. His long cold dinner sat on the table before him. In his head there was silence. He remained oblivious to the people around him while his eyes stared at the passing stars. If anyone were to look closely they would see the puffiness of his lip and the deep dark circles under his eyes. The first was the remnant of the beating he took in the boxing ring this morning. The latter was caused by the sleep that had eluded him for the past three nights. Cautiously, Neelix approached the table where he sat. Without saying a word he picked up the tray littered with uneaten food and replaced it with a steaming cup of tea. If Chakotay noticed he didn't comment. Life went on around him. People entered, people left, but nothing seemed to penetrate the dark aura that hung around the First Officer.

"May I join you, Commander?"

Chakotay bristled at the interruption. "I am afraid that I would not be very good company, Tuvok."

"Nor am I." The Vulcan sat down opposite the Commander and joined him in his scrutiny of the passing stars. Tuvok sat and waited. He was not sure why he sought out this man's company. Though he had grown to respect him, he did not consider him a friend. No, the only friend he had onboard this ship was sitting in her quarters, alone. Maybe that was why he found himself sitting with a man he had once considered an enemy. They were enemies no more. Now they were bonded by their conspiratorial actions of betrayal. They each bore an excruciating burden of pain that no one but the other could understand.

"I find myself in a most unusual position. I thought perhaps that you found yourself in the same position."

"Misery loves company. Is that it, Tuvok?"

"I believe that I made an error. I am sorry for disturbing you, Commander."

Chakotay swiftly left his chair and grabbed the arm of his fellow officer. "Tuvok," the eyes of both men locked and the turmoil that had invaded each man's soul rose to the surface, "please, stay." With a nod of the head, Tuvok acquiesced and took his seat once again. "I am usually much better at this."

Once again the Vulcan nodded his head. "It seems we both find ourselves in most unusual positions. I am unable to meditate. In times like this there is great comfort in clearing the mind through ritual meditation. Yet, I find that I cannot reach that level."

Tuvok faltered just slightly. Not many people would have noticed but Chakotay had worked with the man for many years and despite his protestation Chakotay knew that the man before him felt a lot more than he ever admitted. "I attempted a vision quest twice and each time I was unsuccessful. Every time I close my eyes I see "

"The gun pointed at her head."

Chakotay's head snapped up in surprise. So Tuvok saw it too.

"Then I hear myself order you to kill her. When I am able to think rationally I tell myself that it was not my fault. I was under the control of someone else but that does not erase the terror I saw in her eyes nor does it justify the betrayal." Chakotay thought of another time when his mind was under the influence of someone else. "This is not the first time I have been coerced into betraying her." Even Tuvok did not know the extent of that betrayal but Kathryn did. "It should not have happened."

"If I had not been involved I would be telling you that you expect too much of yourself but I cannot for I also bear that same guilt. I should have been able to resist. The superiority of my mental discipline should have been enough to keep the controlling thoughts at bay. Yet, I could not. Terro took what is most precious to a Vulcan, his strength of mind, and violated it. I fear the damage may be irreparable."

Despite the gravity of the situation Chakotay's spirit lightened. Tuvok was feeling all too human. "Maybe in this instance the Vulcan way is more harmful than good." Tuvok raised his left eyebrow in question. "When you bottle up all those emotions for so long sooner or later they are bound to erupt. Right now you are feeling guilty about a situation over which you had no control. Your personal expectations place you in a no-win situation and when you don't win you have no resources to fall back on because you place such a high premium on your mind and so little on your heart."

"I find it ironic that you are telling me about repressed emotions." Now it was Chakotay's turn to cock his eyebrow. "Why are you feeling so guilty, Commander?"

"Because I betrayed my Captain."

"As did I but just as you said you are feeling guilty about a situation over which you had no control."

Chakotay hit the table. "But I should have been able to resist."

"Why are you any different than me? In fact, despite the fact that you are an honorable man, you do not have the years of mental training that I have had. Therefore, it is only logical to conclude that you had even less of a chance of resisting Terro than I did."

"I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO!"

"Why?"

"Because," the Commander's head hung low as he ran his shaky hands through his hair, "because…"

"Because you love her."

He whispered his agreement. "Yes."

"You have indirectly told me that I should feel more and think less. I now tell you the same thing. She needs you."

He shook his head violently. "She does not need a man who tried to kill her."

"Yes, she does. Just as I needed to speak to someone so does she. Like all of us involved her beliefs have been challenged. You can speak to any number of people to help you. I sought you out for that express purpose but she has no one. She needs you."

"Why not you?"

"She needs the man she loves."

"Tuvok, don't"

Before the Commander could continue he held up his hand to stop him. "Commander, I cast no aspersions. I simply state a fact." He stood up to take his leave. "When you do go to see her, remember your own advice. Listen to your heart, not your head."

A half hour later Chakotay found himself outside the Captain's quarters. Finally, he summoned the courage to ring the chime. When he entered he found her standing in the middle of the room. She looked frail standing there in her robe. Her hair was down and her eyes were red and swollen. Before he thought too much he crossed the room to her and took her in his arms. He felt her shoulders shake as she started to cry. Only this time she would not cry alone. This time the man she loved would be there to hold and comfort her.


End file.
